It's All About Communication

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I had a conversation once with a potential partner of mine. He was politely trying to ask me about the marriage class I was taking at the time. Not knowing how to sum up everything I was learning I simply told him, “It’s all about communication.”


We both laughed and continued walking through campus. He said “That’s it, huh? That’s all you have to do to have a good marriage?” At the time I was not convinced, but I didn’t want to take the time to explain everything I was learning. So, I just said “pretty much.”


Today I realized that I did not know how correct I was in that very watered down summarization of a marriage class. It IS all about communication.


So many people ruin relationships (both romantic and otherwise) because of miscommunication. You can see it with other people very clearly, but it is harder to see it in yourself and your conversations with people. So often, we assign motives, we make assumptions, and we unnecessarily get angry and upset. Communication is a tool that if used correctly can fix all relationships including marriages, other familial relationships, and even community relationships.


In order to communicate with others effectively we have to know how. David D. Burns discovered a method of communication he calls “The Five Secrets of Effective Communication.” These five are


1) The Disarming Technique. This technique is when you choose to find the truth in what the other person is saying. You can do this even if someone is being extremely mean. That does not mean that you have to tear yourself down. You don’t have to say, “You’re right. I am the worst.” That’s not the idea. Just find something that you can validate their feelings with.


2) Empathy. This means that you try and see what they might be feeling and thinking. This means acknowledging what they are feeling and trying to summarize their feelings to clarify.


3) Inquiry. Make sure you actually know what this is about. Make sure to ask questions to clarify that you understand what they are trying to communicate.


4) “I feel” statements. Make sure that you are taking responsibility for your feelings. Clearly state what you are thinking and feeling by saying things like “I feel this way.” Do not blame the other person by saying things like, “You are making me sad.”


5) Stroking. This is the last step. This is where you show them that you respect them by saying something to them that is positive and genuine.


Since learning about these steps this week, I have implemented it in my conversations, particularly with my boyfriend. It works. You don’t have to go in that order. As long as you cover these steps your conversations will be beneficial and effective.


Most of all, when you are trying to communicate something to someone, do NOT get defensive. Many times miscommunications happen because people think they are defending themselves. In reality, arguments are often defense against defense. If we stop being defensive and try to communicate our thoughts and feelings using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication we will get off the defense against defense game we play and level the playing field.


We are a team. Particularly in marriages, we are a team. That means that it is not you against your spouse. It is both of you against the things that make life difficult. Communicating in an open defense-free way will help everyone have better relationships.


If someone were to ask me what I’m learning in my family relations class this semester, my answer would likely be the same.


“It’s all about communication.”

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