Actions and Intentions

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She looked at him in disbelief as he got into his car and drove down the driveway. Had he really just left her with their four children who were being abnormally rambunctious? Where was he going?

It had been a long day. She was tired. The house was a mess. And everyone (including him no doubt) was expecting a dinner that she hadn't even thought about, let alone prepared. She desperately wanted her husband to come home so she could hear about his day and get her mind off of the terrible day it had been at home. Plus, some help around the house and with the kids would be nice as well.

But he had come home, seen the state of the house, very quickly assessed the situation and had gotten himself out. By the look on his face, she had assumed his intentions. She was sure he didn't care about how she was feeling! He had just worried about his comfort and well-being.


On the other hand, he had just finished a very good and rewarding day at work! He was a little late getting home, it's true, but when his wife would hear about all of the wonderful things that were happening she would harbor no resentment, he was sure! Things had just gone right! He was excited to go home and tell his wife. As soon as he got home, however, his wife had expressed frustration that he hadn't been home sooner. By the way her hands were on her hips and by her expression, he could tell that she clearly did not care about him or his day. 

Feeling a little sorry for himself, he decided to make it up to her by surprising her with their favorite fast food takeout. He left immediately. There was no time to waste.  


From an outsider's perspective, this little misunderstanding seems very silly and easy to resolve. I will admit, this example is a little extreme,  but misunderstandings of this nature happen on a regular basis. When it's you, it's not as easy to sift through. For this couple, intentions were assumed, misunderstandings were enhanced, and feelings were hurt on both parties.

In the family, there are systems and subsystems that have to work together in harmony and unity to create the most effective home situation. There are many theories on the system of the family. To read all about them, I would recommend you read the book entitled, Exploring Family Theories, by Suzanne R. Smith, Raeann R. Hamon, Bron B. Ingoldsby & J. Elizabeth Miller. Specifically chapter five, talks about all of the theories and how they are interconnected.  For my purposes however, I want to emphasis a relationship theory that is talked about in chapter five and is based on family member's actions. It is called the symbolic interaction theory. 

This theory suggests that relationships change according to a family member's behavior. In other words, an action or word from a family member can say a lot about the intentions and feelings of that family member. This can be a dangerous theory, however. As we saw with the example above, it can cause a lot of misunderstanding. Symbolic behavior leads to incorrect assumptions about intentions. This can and does cause a lot of tension in family systems. Many of the families in present times, jump too quickly to conclusions about the meaning of certain behaviors exhibited by their families. 

The reason I bring this to your attention is that I believe that bringing knowledge to others about this topic is the first step in fixing the problems that are caused by misunderstood intentions. If we made studies on the dissolving of families, I think a big reason for that dissolvement would be misunderstandings and uncommunicated intentions.  

Don’t let this be your family. Make sure to communicate about your initial responses to certain behaviors. Make your intentions which are leading your actions known to your family member. Your family will grow closer as that open communication replaces misunderstandings based on behavior.

References: 

Smith, S. R., & Hamon, R. R. (2021). Family Systems Theory. In Exploring family theories (pp. 123-139). New York: Oxford University Press.

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