Intentional Reactions
The death of a loved one. Adjusting to a new job. Adjusting to married life. Or adjusting to anything new. These and many many other factors count as stressors in family life.
We all have stressors in our families. It is no new thing. Do you have events that happened that were unexpected? Maybe they were even expected. These stressors often change the dynamic of the family. Sometimes for the best or sometimes for the worst.
As I talked this week to peers and professionals about this very topic we talked about the importance of choosing how we respond. Do we turn towards our family and make it a bonder and a familial relationship enhancer? Or do we turn away and make it a family destroyer?
Many years ago a close acquaintance of mine (I will call him Steve) decided that he and his wife (I will call her Jan) were going to get a divorce because of stressors that were unforeseen and really difficult. They fell on financially hard times. He had started a business that tanked, and he was still in school. Jan didn’t know how to respond to not having enough money. Her family had always been wealthy. So, she did what came naturally to her. She started to tell Steve that he was not doing things the way he was supposed to and that he wasn’t taking care of her the way he had promised to. Because of this, Steve did the thing that came most naturally to him. He stopped talking. He would dread coming home from work everyday. He stopped engaging in conversation with her. He stopped responding to her nags. Steve would not give Jan the satisfaction of knowing she was getting through to him and making him feel terrible. In short, he started stonewalling.
Eventually it just got worse and worse. She started hitting him and throwing their children at him to try to get him to respond. And he would get farther and farther from showing her any kind of emotion or support. Because they didn’t pull together when the financial situation got rough, they pulled apart. They are now divorced, and it was ugly. And it continues to be ugly.
Imagine for a moment what would have happened if they had intentionally put their natural responses aside and had worked together. Maybe they would have realized that they did love each other and that they would have to work extra hard to get out of this spot. She could have decided that her husband needed her support a little bit more. She could have gone to work for a few months while things were tight. He could have chosen to realize how hard this was on her. She, as you know, wasn’t used to not having her needs and some of her wants met. He could have chosen to show her compassion and an increased amount of love. That would have helped her feel more secure.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are times when divorce is necessary. If someone’s life is at risk, it is important to get out of a situation, but divorce has become so common. When we realize that these stressors and our reactions to them cause these divorces, we realize that many, too many divorces could have been prevented if there had been intentional communication and understanding. Is it easy? No. It’s not. But as the song artist Kelly Clarkson sang, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” In this case, what doesn’t kill your marriage makes it stronger. And you have a lot of choice, most of the time, for what will kill your marriage and what will make it stronger.
The point of this blog is not to guilt trip anyone if they have had a divorce. It is to help people see that if we are intentional about the way we handle family stressors that will inevitably come to each and every family on this planet, we can save families. If we change this culture now, we will see a decrease in mental sickness, an increase in family and community unity, and an increase of strength for our nation and world.
We all have stressors in our families. It is no new thing. Do you have events that happened that were unexpected? Maybe they were even expected. These stressors often change the dynamic of the family. Sometimes for the best or sometimes for the worst.
As I talked this week to peers and professionals about this very topic we talked about the importance of choosing how we respond. Do we turn towards our family and make it a bonder and a familial relationship enhancer? Or do we turn away and make it a family destroyer?
Many years ago a close acquaintance of mine (I will call him Steve) decided that he and his wife (I will call her Jan) were going to get a divorce because of stressors that were unforeseen and really difficult. They fell on financially hard times. He had started a business that tanked, and he was still in school. Jan didn’t know how to respond to not having enough money. Her family had always been wealthy. So, she did what came naturally to her. She started to tell Steve that he was not doing things the way he was supposed to and that he wasn’t taking care of her the way he had promised to. Because of this, Steve did the thing that came most naturally to him. He stopped talking. He would dread coming home from work everyday. He stopped engaging in conversation with her. He stopped responding to her nags. Steve would not give Jan the satisfaction of knowing she was getting through to him and making him feel terrible. In short, he started stonewalling.
Eventually it just got worse and worse. She started hitting him and throwing their children at him to try to get him to respond. And he would get farther and farther from showing her any kind of emotion or support. Because they didn’t pull together when the financial situation got rough, they pulled apart. They are now divorced, and it was ugly. And it continues to be ugly.
Imagine for a moment what would have happened if they had intentionally put their natural responses aside and had worked together. Maybe they would have realized that they did love each other and that they would have to work extra hard to get out of this spot. She could have decided that her husband needed her support a little bit more. She could have gone to work for a few months while things were tight. He could have chosen to realize how hard this was on her. She, as you know, wasn’t used to not having her needs and some of her wants met. He could have chosen to show her compassion and an increased amount of love. That would have helped her feel more secure.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are times when divorce is necessary. If someone’s life is at risk, it is important to get out of a situation, but divorce has become so common. When we realize that these stressors and our reactions to them cause these divorces, we realize that many, too many divorces could have been prevented if there had been intentional communication and understanding. Is it easy? No. It’s not. But as the song artist Kelly Clarkson sang, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” In this case, what doesn’t kill your marriage makes it stronger. And you have a lot of choice, most of the time, for what will kill your marriage and what will make it stronger.
The point of this blog is not to guilt trip anyone if they have had a divorce. It is to help people see that if we are intentional about the way we handle family stressors that will inevitably come to each and every family on this planet, we can save families. If we change this culture now, we will see a decrease in mental sickness, an increase in family and community unity, and an increase of strength for our nation and world.
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